Sunday, January 19, 2014

6 MONTHS TODAY

Do you want to know what I did after my dad died?  I looked up the Stages of Grief.  What is this natural order of feelings?  I wanted a list.  I wanted to know that I was "normal."  Do you know why it is hard to find a definite order of grieving list?  Because it doesn't exist.  Sad.  Check.  Devastated.  Check.  Numb.  Check.  Anger. Check.  Acceptance.  Uncheck.  It doesn't work this way.  I wish it did because then I would know what was next and when this roller coaster would be done its heartbreaking-wanting-it-to-stop-but-not-being-able-to-and-closing-my-eyes-and-wanting-this-nightmare-ride-to-be-over-and-it-doesn't-crap-ride... Sigh.  Do you want to know what I did for at least 2 weeks after he died?  I HAD to drink wine in order to sleep or I would think.  Sometimes going through the grief and the thinking is not beneficial.  So whoever says that drinking is not helpful...they are wrong.  It was helpful and I don't regret it.  I would take numbed, buzz feeling anyday over the pictures in my mind.  I left food cooking on the stove, I yelled at my children, I sobbed, I sat and stared, I felt like a different person.  I panicked.  I was lost.
So there is a new me.  A new me who now has reality and it sucks.  I lived in a bubble for 34 years of blissful nothing-can-happen-to-me-or-my-world and I enjoyed it.
There is no order of grief.  There really isn't.  I have started feeling better moving into our new house.  I went through the holidays and I was ok.  I enjoyed my children and enjoyed my life.  But it isn't 100% happy like I felt before.  It never will be again.  There will always be that spot that hurts and grieves and searches for that naive place I used to have but I will be happy.  I will laugh with my children.  I will be thankful and I will love. I do have many, many happy moments in my life.  Right now I am excited about decorating our bedroom into a room that we have waited for for 12 years.  I am living my life and I love my life.  Suddenly I don't feel ok and I am envisioning my dad walking out of his shed.  I am seeing him squeezing his hands because they are numb.  I am seeing him in his chair eating ice cream watching his show.  Or hearing his messages to me on the phone that were erased not too long before he died by Bell Canada and how I long to hear his voice. So there isn't a list.  I will feel ok and that everything is going to be ok and then it isn't.  One of my children mentions him and I turn and cry.  I smell him and I cry.  But I do know that I will continue to live my life, my wonderful life with all of the gifts that I have been given.
Dad, I will see you again.  I know you are around us and watching over us.  I know that you are ok.  I love you and you are still my best dad in the whole world.


Monday, January 6, 2014

I would like to redo this blog.  Re-design it.  Meh, it takes time.
As I sit here I hear the piano being lightly played by one of the kids.  Callum is eating an apple and dipping it in ketchup.  The other kids are watching a science show.  Frrreeeeezing outside.  Tonnes of snow.
What is Ron doing?  Well he has this week off so a pipe burst in our basement last night and he is cutting the wall away so we can replace things.  Isn't that fun?
We started up school again today.  After the holidays.  Wonderful.  I get a bunch of children whining that Oooooooh, we have to actually lift ourselves off of the couch, place ourselves at the table and THINK???  This goes by fairly quickly so that is good.
We are going to start going to a homeschool co-op here in Wheatley.  They will have a cooking class, woodworking, ASL (taught by yours truly) among some other classes.
Amelie is in Junior High on Monday nights.  Ricky is starting art classes on Wednesday evenings and Cohen has science class on Thursday.  What happened to our family?  What happened to the laid back philosophy?  I guess things change.  I want them to know the basics but have fun and keep our values as a family.
Psssst....we are looking into adoption this year.  Stay tuned for further updates. lol
I am going to pick another picture of my dad because well...I want to.  :)

They had a wonderful marriage.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Life

So life happened.

I thought I would update about our family.  We are doing well.  I haven't felt like writing this past year.  Life happened.  It tends to do that whether we want it to or not.
Schooling wise we are moving along.  We are sort of using a Charlotte Mason approach which is working out well.  I am enjoying having some kind of structure to our day even if it is loose.
We read.  We teach.  We live.
Live.  Such an interesting word.  Live.
This is our year in a nutshell.  My dad is gone.  Just like that.  I know he is close to us because we got a message from someone but yeah...he's gone.  Everything in my life is clouded by this.  If he could just come back life would be light.  Carefree.  I'll never have that again.
My brother got married.
My grandpa Dom died.
We sold our house and moved to a new town.
I went to school to learn ASL at the college.  Got an A.
I don't know what this new year has in store for us but hopefully it will be better than the last.
I would like to start writing again and focusing on our children now.


Monday, June 3, 2013

Thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Nothing new.  I am a thinker.  A worrier.  A mom.

The weather is beautiful and this brings about Learning.  We got through the dreary winter of thinking my children are watching too much TV and how much damage I am inflicting upon my children.  Are they getting enough Vitamin D?  Enough fresh air?  Too much TV/technology, blah blah blah.  Then I see days like today with the leaves in full bloom and the mayflies everywhere.  The sun is shining and YES the kids are getting Vitamin D!  Imagine that.
I have been thinking a lot about schooling lately.  Unschooling vs. homeschooling vs. doing the basics. vs ..
You get the idea.  I strayed from unschooling for a while with my worry.  Are they missing some vital information?  Are we not structured enough?  I am stepping back again and reevaluating our way.  Isn't that what parenting is about?  Being willing to take a step back and decide if what we are doing is working?  The "too much" is not working.  They are dragging their feet and not enjoying the process.
We will do math when we can.  When we have time in our busy summer days.  We will do copywork when we can.  When we have time in our lazy spring days.  We will get to it and they will thrive.
Today the kids were in their PJ's until about 10:30am GASP.  I am quite positive that they will get dressed to go to work as an adult.  No worries there.  Unless they start their own businesses and work from home.  They cleaned up their sections of the house and off they went crafting, playing video games, drawing and learning about mayflies, creating our street out of cardboard and rolled papers for houses, playing outside, running, eating, living.
Cohen is quite interested in the poles of the Earth and how magnets play into all of that.  LKoiaheojkhe THAT is what I hear when he brings this topic up.  I need to find a good book that will explain thing further and then throw that book on Ron's lap and say Takeraway!  Reagan is coming into herself.  She is still my spunky, feisty little girl but has much more control.  I am proud of her and who she is becoming.  Callum is still our teddy bear who loves soccer and hockey.  Hadley has just turned 2 and is talking now.  Ricky and Amelie are turning into young ladies who I am very proud to be a mom to.  I really am.
I really am a very blessed mom.  Most days I feel so incredibly happy and lucky and then I have days like one day last wk when I put them to bed at 6:30pm because I couldn't take one.more.minute of being on.
So pictures will come soon and more of our explorations will follow.  Unless we are too busy with life ... wherever and whenever we feel like it.  Isn't that what unschooling is?

Friday, January 18, 2013

Well that top picture needs to be changed!
So we have a worker coming on Tuesday to start our adoption process.  This has been a long time coming.  We have to be moved into our bigger house of course but once that happens we want to be ready.  Of course, I have a lot of insecurities.  Not about adopting a child and it working out.  I actually have no worried about that.  Our family is not perfect.  We can be messy and our children hit each other from time to time.  I get frustrated and yell and so does Ron. I look at our children and I see that they are happy.  We really do have a wonderful life and I know that the child that we adopt will be lucky and loved.  He won't be perfect and we won't expect him to be.  We aren't either.  I worry more that the adoption place won't like us or won't understand our parenting views.  We co sleep.  We don't vaccinate. We homeschool.  We sometimes yell.  We don't have a tonne of money.  What will they think of us?  Hopefully they will look at our children and know how loved another child will be.  I hope they see their little faces and think that they are as lucky/cared for/loved as we know they are.  What if they don't like one of our answers?  What if they don't like that I have spanked before when upset and regretted it because I knew it was wrong?  What if I say "I'll throw you out the window" or the kids say it and they take it seriously?  What if...   I have to remember that if this is what is meant to happen, it will.  God will set this path in motion.
We went to see the other house today.  Guess what!  I went on a real estate site where they show houses for sale and it is taken down!  There is no For Sale sign on the front lawn.  This means that they are satisfied with our offer and are willing to wait.  I am not sure how long but this is good!  We took a family drive and sat and had homemade soup, coffee and cookies at a cute little bakery/cafe in the town where the house is. It was wonderful. Then we took a drive down to the harbor and got to see the fishing boats.  We really feel that this place is meant for us.  We just don't know when this will happen.  God will set this path in motion.  He already has.
Well I am headed off to bed because we have to be up early for hockey.  Oh yes, the lovely have.to.be.there.at.eight 1hr away, with hockey equipment on and ready to go hockey!  lol  The kids love it and it is great to watch them out there.
Goodnight all!

Monday, December 31, 2012

Oh my goodness!  I have so many pictures to share.  I will write now and the next time I post I will post some pictures.
So what has been happening in our lives?
We are still selling our house.  Because of the holidays it has kind of been put on hold.  We haven't had any calls and quite frankly we wouldn't have been ready!  Our Christmas decorations have been put away and we are just finishing up with tidying.  Hopefully we will get some calls now that the holidays are over.
Not much happening with the kids.  We have taken a break for the past couple of weeks.  Cohen is done his BOB books and on to Dr. Seuss now.  Proud little man.   We are reading The Bobbsey Twins books and enjoying that.  We are also reading Rudyard Kipling.  We found a quaint little rare book store and have started a collection of old, classic books.  I have definitely found a new passion!
The kids are all in hockey.  It is a program that kids can go and skate for free and are given all of the equipment as a loan.  We have to drive 45 min to get there for 8am!  And yet, we love it.  I love to see their little smiles behind their helmets.  The first week was a disaster!  From crying kids to not getting on the ice in time to skate (so much to put on them) and then the second week I got whacked in the head with a hockey stick when Amelie fell and my coffee went all over my head.  The third week we ended up in a dressing room with a bunch of 20 something's (guys) in their underwear.  And we STILL go.  Yes, we love our children.
Christmas was good.  No one got sick so that is great!  It was busy like every year and now is our time to relax together and regroup as a family.
Tonight is New Years Eve and I am going to spend that with my husband watching a movie.
I am so blessed.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Life isn't perfect...or is it?


Life happens whether we want it to or not.  Little legs will get stuck in table chairs.  Yogurt will get in the baby's hair.  Kids will get sick (so will parents!) and kids will argue. (Again, so will parents!)  Life doesn't fit into a neat little box.  If you want it to you will have to send your kids back.  Go win the lottery and live in the bahamas where the sun shines and the water is clear.  There are going to be sick days and ugh-I-don't-want-today-to-happen days.  We are human after all.  All of these challenges will help them grow.  They will see that mom isn't perfect and sometimes mom needs help.  They will see that if mom doesn't get enough sleep, there are consequences in the house.  They will see real life.  I have some friends right now who have newborns.  I see myself in them about 18 months ago.  I remember the OH MY GOODNESS!  My children are not learning anything!  Oh my goodness!  I am ruining my children.  Seriously self, take a break. The kids will learn what it is really like raising a newborn.  They will see the crying and the frustration. (From baby and mom)  They will see interruptions and not-doing.  They will see life.  I look at our life now and it is easy.  We don't have a newborn in the house any longer.  Even lazy days I see learning taking place.
For example, look at this slug.  We were outside and Ricky comes flying around to the front of the house with this giant slug.  Of course we head inside and look up this beauty.  It is called a leopard slug and are quite common in this area.  She found him/her under a big leaf.  The kids all got to touch and then set it free.  Little things like this happen all the time.  Sometimes it is ok to have days where kids are making salads, playing with toys, crocheting, playing video games, watching tv or reading books.  Sometimes it is ok to have days where we don't really feel like doing anything. (Lets face it-this is us parents.  My kids are ALWAYS willing to do anything!)  It is ok because it is life.  It is ok because we love them and care.  I have learned over the years to just relax and enjoy life with our family.